


Three and no more

by mssdare



Series: Summer Pornathon 2015 (my entries) [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Drugs, F/M, M/M, Opium, Suicidal Thoughts, Summer Pornathon 2015, Three - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-13 04:26:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4507704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mssdare/pseuds/mssdare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It feels like being hit by a hammer, or walking into a brick wall.<br/>The way the bloke winks at Merlin brings back the smell of Camelot’s forest in summer, the taste of mead at the Rising Sun, the feeling of sweat under a rough linen shirt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three and no more

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sillygoose for rewriting this with me 5 times over! You are the most patient beta EVER!

 

It feels like being hit by a hammer, or walking into a brick wall.

The way the bloke winks at Merlin brings back the smell of Camelot’s forest in summer, the taste of mead at the Rising Sun, the feeling of sweat under a rough linen shirt. Merlin braces himself against the table, swallows hard, and smiles back. Robert is no Gwaine, but he has Gwaine’s easy-going manner and his fierce love of _living_.

He teaches Merlin what it feels like to fall apart under someone’s touch, and how he sounds when he’s writhing while being opened on a clever tongue and slick fingers, and how deliciously it hurts when Merlin’s fucked hard on a huge, hot cock.

Robert also teaches Merlin how to forget; the sweet, heavy smoke from the pipe curls around them like ghost snakes, grey and evanescent like lost souls.

Merlin leaves before Robert notices the way he doesn’t age. He goes on a crisp October morning, leaving four spring rolls on the table for breakfast in lieu of saying goodbye.

 

***

The second time it happens, Merlin’s hands get caught in a tangle of dollar bills falling to the floor like wrinkled leaves.

“Sorry,” he says. “Sorry.”

The girl behind the counter is smiling. Her dimple is just like Gwen’s, her eyes a lighter shade of brown but gentle, so gentle, that if Merlin could still cry he would.

They fuck in the small room she rents from an old lady in Brooklyn. The dust from the curtains tickles Merlin's nose, and the floorboards squeak underneath the bed when Merlin thrusts into her.

He loves her sweet smile and soft hands. He worships her body, revelling in the smooth skin when he cups her breasts, kisses her stomach, and strokes her hair. She makes him forget, even if she’s not as efficient as opium.

"I want a baby," she says on a hot autumn night when they're lying on top of the covers, sweat cooling on their skin. She tangles her fingers with his. "I love you so much."

This time he leaves a note.

 

***

The third time it’s winter, harsh and white, snow glistening like glitter cast from some spell. It feels as if the world has been put to sleep, reminding Merlin of the time when Lady Helen sang her song. And gods, that was a _thousand_ years ago. _A thousand_ , Merlin thinks, curling up into a ball on the cold pavement. His heart hurts and he needs to forget.

“You all right there, mate?” The voice makes Merlin think he’s gone crazy. He takes the offered hand and lets himself be pulled up.

He’s nothing like Arthur. He’s got brown eyes and dark, unkempt locks, but it’s good when they make love, slow and warm. David is careful with Merlin’s body, just the way he’s careful with everything in life. It’s even better when they curl up on the couch together, eating crisps and watching _Doctor Who_ reruns because Merlin’s too out of it to focus on anything new.

A black, wet nose pokes Merlin’s hand and Merlin strokes the silky fur, vaguely surprised at how his hand shakes. His body doesn’t want to move. He calls out, “It’s your turn, I walked her yesterday.”

David whistles to their dog, shaking his head at Merlin’s laziness.

Later, when Merlin lies in the darkness of their bedroom listening to David’s soft breathing, he still pretends that this voice belongs to someone else.

 _I’m a cheater_ , he thinks bitterly, so angry with himself he feels like he’s imploding. He only had a few winters with Arthur. He could have a lifetime with David, and yet…

This time he’s not the one to leave, but it hurts just as much. He stumbles on the sidewalk, remembering David’s blank face as he said, “You’re never sober, Merlin. I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry.”

 _No more_ , Merlin thinks bitterly as he walks down the road, feeling old, so old and tired.

He looks to the lake and sighs as a lorry passes him by. The spring is so cold this year, it’s hard to believe that everything’s waking up to life again. The distant hill looks like a tomb. Icy wind burns his face like dragon’s breath. It’d be so easy to walk into the water, heavy stones in his pockets dragging him down. He could close his eyes and forget. But the oblivion of death will never be granted to him.


End file.
